I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
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