where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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