He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
