I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize