I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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