I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
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