Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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