At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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