Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
