It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize