you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize