Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i was born a porn star she said
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize