Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
