You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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