She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I didn't notice because vodka
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
