Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We need a shit load of segways right now
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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