I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
