i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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