thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
