What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You're like the curious george of whores
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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