just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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