Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
