he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize