dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
