I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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