Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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