how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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