I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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