he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
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