dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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