My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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