Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
