between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize