Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
