I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
