When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
