no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
My breath smells like gin and sadness
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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