Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
