you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
