All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
