I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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