Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
