i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
