I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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