My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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