how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize