It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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