We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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