i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
