Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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