do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Randomize
