i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
