You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
