Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
