he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize