I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
