I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Randomize
