I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
