I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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