you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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