You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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