I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
