Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
