Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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