I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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